W. C. Fields Quotes
Quotations and aphorisms by W. C. Fields:
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
~W. C. Fields
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
~W. C. Fields
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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
~W. C. Fields
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
~W. C. Fields
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Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
~W. C. Fields
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
~W. C. Fields
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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
~W. C. Fields
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
~W. C. Fields
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Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
~W. C. Fields
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I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.
~W. C. Fields
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I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
~W. C. Fields
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Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
~W. C. Fields
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Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
~W. C. Fields
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
~W. C. Fields
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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
~W. C. Fields
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I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
~W. C. Fields
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Never give a sucker an even break.
~W. C. Fields
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Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
~W. C. Fields
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I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
~W. C. Fields
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
~W. C. Fields
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I drink therefore I am.
~W. C. Fields
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It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
~W. C. Fields
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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
~W. C. Fields
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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
~W. C. Fields
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Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
~W. C. Fields
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
~W. C. Fields
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
~W. C. Fields
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
~W. C. Fields
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Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
~W. C. Fields
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Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
~W. C. Fields
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You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
~W. C. Fields
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All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
~W. C. Fields
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Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
~W. C. Fields
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I never met a kid I liked.
~W. C. Fields
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Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
~W. C. Fields
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If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
~W. C. Fields
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
~W. C. Fields
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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
~W. C. Fields
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I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
~W. C. Fields
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If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
~W. C. Fields
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
~W. C. Fields
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
~W. C. Fields
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Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
~W. C. Fields
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
~W. C. Fields
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Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
~W. C. Fields
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If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
~W. C. Fields
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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
~W. C. Fields
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Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
~W. C. Fields
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
~W. C. Fields
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
~W. C. Fields
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I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
~W. C. Fields
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There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
~W. C. Fields
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
~W. C. Fields
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I like children - fried.
~W. C. Fields
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
~W. C. Fields
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
~W. C. Fields
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On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
~W. C. Fields
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Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
~W. C. Fields
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
~W. C. Fields
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
~W. C. Fields
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
~W. C. Fields
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The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
~W. C. Fields
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Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
~W. C. Fields
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
~W. C. Fields
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