Joan Rivers Quotes
Quotations and aphorisms by Joan Rivers:
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I made so many jokes about poor Russell Crowe, he once knocked on my dressing room door, and told me he wanted to go out on this chat show we were on to laugh with me. Now he's ruined it. I can't make another joke about him.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
My eyes opened, and the first thing I thought of when I could put thoughts together was I want to be in show business. Never wanted anything else. I used to sneak in the costume room at my nursery school and smell the costumes.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I've never thought of it consciously... I say exactly what I think, and very often it's totally politically incorrect. I get, always, chastised for it. So it's not shtick. But I think I'm the one who says, 'The emperor has no clothes.'
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Every television show you go on is a choice.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I just love acting.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I was not an attractive child.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I hate reality shows that are not reality.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
My audiences get younger all the time.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
It's feast or famine in showbiz.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I walk on a stage, and I know if it's been a good show or not. You know when it's been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it's a good show. And you know when you've messed up.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I love the Internet, and I love that you can say whatever you want.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I was a Brownie Scout mother.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I will work as hard as I do because I love it.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I am furious about everything.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Never floss with a stranger.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.
~Joan Rivers
Link:
Share:
Permalink:
Browse: