Woody Allen Quotes
Quotations and aphorisms by Woody Allen:
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
~Woody Allen
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Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
~Woody Allen
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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
~Woody Allen
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
~Woody Allen
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I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
~Woody Allen
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
~Woody Allen
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
~Woody Allen
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The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
~Woody Allen
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I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
~Woody Allen
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
~Woody Allen
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Eighty percent of success is showing up.
~Woody Allen
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
~Woody Allen
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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
~Woody Allen
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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
~Woody Allen
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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
~Woody Allen
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Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
~Woody Allen
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If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
~Woody Allen
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Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
~Woody Allen
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I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
~Woody Allen
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Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
~Woody Allen
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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
~Woody Allen
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
~Woody Allen
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When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
~Woody Allen
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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
~Woody Allen
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
~Woody Allen
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I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
~Woody Allen
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
~Woody Allen
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Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
~Woody Allen
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His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
~Woody Allen
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
~Woody Allen
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I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
~Woody Allen
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If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
~Woody Allen
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Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
~Woody Allen
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Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
~Woody Allen
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He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
~Woody Allen
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
~Woody Allen
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The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
~Woody Allen
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I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
~Woody Allen
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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
~Woody Allen
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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
~Woody Allen
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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
~Woody Allen
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
~Woody Allen
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My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
~Woody Allen
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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
~Woody Allen
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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
~Woody Allen
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I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
~Woody Allen
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Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
~Woody Allen
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Marriage is the death of hope.
~Woody Allen
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
~Woody Allen
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Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
~Woody Allen
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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
~Woody Allen
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I am two with nature.
~Woody Allen
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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
~Woody Allen
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I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
~Woody Allen
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Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
~Woody Allen
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It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
~Woody Allen
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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
~Woody Allen
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In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
~Woody Allen
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Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
~Woody Allen
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
~Woody Allen
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
~Woody Allen
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Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
~Woody Allen
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If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
~Woody Allen
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I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
~Woody Allen
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If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
~Woody Allen
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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
~Woody Allen
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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
~Woody Allen
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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
~Woody Allen
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In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
~Woody Allen
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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
~Woody Allen
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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
~Woody Allen
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I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
~Woody Allen
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
~Woody Allen
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I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
~Woody Allen
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I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
~Woody Allen
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