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I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.
~Dane Cook


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Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!
~Dane Cook


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I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.
~Dane Cook


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When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.
~Dane Cook


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I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
~Dane Cook


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I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
~Dane Cook


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I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
~Dane Cook


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I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.
~Dane Cook


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We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.
~Dane Cook


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When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.
~Dane Cook


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As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary.
~Dane Cook


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I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.
~Dane Cook


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I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.
~Dane Cook


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In the year 3000, everything will be instant.
~Dane Cook


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My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.
~Dane Cook


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I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.
~Dane Cook


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I'm a late-night guy.
~Dane Cook


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I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.
~Dane Cook


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I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.
~Dane Cook


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People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
~Dane Cook


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My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
~Dane Cook


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You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
~Dane Cook


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I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.
~Dane Cook


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I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.
~Dane Cook


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Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.
~Dane Cook


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I get so into the moment.
~Dane Cook


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My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'
~Dane Cook


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I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.
~Dane Cook


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That MySpace is the story of the year. Everyone but my mother is on it.
~Dane Cook


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If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.
~Dane Cook


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I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.
~Dane Cook


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You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.
~Dane Cook


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There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.
~Dane Cook


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When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.
~Dane Cook


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No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.
~Dane Cook


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I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
~Dane Cook


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My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically.
~Dane Cook


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Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.
~Dane Cook


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I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.
~Dane Cook


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My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.
~Dane Cook


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Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.
~Dane Cook


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When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'
~Dane Cook


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I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.
~Dane Cook


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I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.
~Dane Cook


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I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.
~Dane Cook


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I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.
~Dane Cook


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I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
~Dane Cook


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I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
~Dane Cook


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I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.
~Dane Cook


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I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.
~Dane Cook


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I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.
~Dane Cook


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Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.
~Dane Cook


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I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.
~Dane Cook


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In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.
~Dane Cook


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I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
~Dane Cook


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When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
~Dane Cook


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I had the humble beginnings. I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.
~Dane Cook


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The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.
~Dane Cook


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I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.
~Dane Cook


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I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.
~Dane Cook


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I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
~Dane Cook


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I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.
~Dane Cook


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Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.
~Dane Cook


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I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.
~Dane Cook


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When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
~Dane Cook


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I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
~Dane Cook


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If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.
~Dane Cook


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Dane Cook quotes

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