Chelsea Handler Quotes
Quotations and aphorisms by Chelsea Handler:
I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.
~Chelsea Handler
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It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.
~Chelsea Handler
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I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'
~Chelsea Handler
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If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.
~Chelsea Handler
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Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.
~Chelsea Handler
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There's a lot of pretty funny women out there.
~Chelsea Handler
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I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.
~Chelsea Handler
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Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!
~Chelsea Handler
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I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.
~Chelsea Handler
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I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times.
~Chelsea Handler
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People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
~Chelsea Handler
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Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'
~Chelsea Handler
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I think pregnancy is a huge responsibility.
~Chelsea Handler
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Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?'
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.
~Chelsea Handler
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I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.
~Chelsea Handler
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Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.
~Chelsea Handler
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I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.
~Chelsea Handler
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I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.
~Chelsea Handler
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I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.
~Chelsea Handler
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I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.
~Chelsea Handler
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Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'
~Chelsea Handler
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E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm not superstitious at all. I'm not a Russian.
~Chelsea Handler
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I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
~Chelsea Handler
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There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves are good. I try and embrace all those things. I try and embrace the times where I'm not sure of myself or I'm like, 'Is this going to work? Is this going to land?'
~Chelsea Handler
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Men are always like, 'You're so intimidating.' I don't find myself to be. But whatever - I'm not going to try to be less intimidating. It's just a matter of finding a guy who's able to deal with it.
~Chelsea Handler
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I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.
~Chelsea Handler
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Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.
~Chelsea Handler
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I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it?
~Chelsea Handler
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Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.
~Chelsea Handler
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If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
~Chelsea Handler
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I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
~Chelsea Handler
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Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.
~Chelsea Handler
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Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
~Chelsea Handler
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Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.
~Chelsea Handler
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If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.
~Chelsea Handler
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People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
~Chelsea Handler
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As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football.
~Chelsea Handler
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I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.
~Chelsea Handler
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There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'
~Chelsea Handler
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I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them.
~Chelsea Handler
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We women have to stick together.
~Chelsea Handler
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I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.
~Chelsea Handler
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We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious?
~Chelsea Handler
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You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.
~Chelsea Handler
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I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
~Chelsea Handler
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Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
~Chelsea Handler
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My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.
~Chelsea Handler
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Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?
~Chelsea Handler
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That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
~Chelsea Handler
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The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
~Chelsea Handler
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Who would marry me anyway? I'm a handful.
~Chelsea Handler
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I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
~Chelsea Handler
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You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.
~Chelsea Handler
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There are some really interesting celebrities and people who are fun to interview, but when you have to do it every day because you have to fill a slot, the allure wears off.
~Chelsea Handler
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I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.
~Chelsea Handler
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I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
~Chelsea Handler
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You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it?
~Chelsea Handler
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My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.
~Chelsea Handler
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I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm a standup comedian, so I need people.
~Chelsea Handler
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I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.
~Chelsea Handler
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You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.
~Chelsea Handler
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There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.
~Chelsea Handler
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I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.
~Chelsea Handler
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Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
~Chelsea Handler
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Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.
~Chelsea Handler
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I don't have a lot of shame. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don't have a lot of guilt, no. I've always been this way. I'm missing a chip.
~Chelsea Handler
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I was the youngest of six kids, and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was, like, in a close age range - she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser.
~Chelsea Handler
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You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.
~Chelsea Handler
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Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.
~Chelsea Handler
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I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
~Chelsea Handler
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TMZ is so disgusting.
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit.
~Chelsea Handler
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I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.
~Chelsea Handler
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Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
~Chelsea Handler
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I think you do need two terms as a president.
~Chelsea Handler
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I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.
~Chelsea Handler
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I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.
~Chelsea Handler
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The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job.
~Chelsea Handler
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When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.
~Chelsea Handler
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Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.
~Chelsea Handler
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It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
~Chelsea Handler
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I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.
~Chelsea Handler
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I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.
~Chelsea Handler
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In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.
~Chelsea Handler
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The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
~Chelsea Handler
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I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.
~Chelsea Handler
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I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
~Chelsea Handler
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Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.
~Chelsea Handler
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I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves.
~Chelsea Handler
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There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.'
~Chelsea Handler
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I encourage interoffice romance.
~Chelsea Handler
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The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.
~Chelsea Handler
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I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.
~Chelsea Handler
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Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.
~Chelsea Handler
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It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
~Chelsea Handler
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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and charismatic and weird. It's pretty hard to take your eyes off them.
~Chelsea Handler
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Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they're there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I'm with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.
~Chelsea Handler
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I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.
~Chelsea Handler
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There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.
~Chelsea Handler
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MTV is known for their huge budget.
~Chelsea Handler
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I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.
~Chelsea Handler
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